We all go through dark times and sometimes we don’t know why we are there or even how to turn the lights back on. I’ve been in and out of the dark so much lately that I can’t help but wonder what’s wrong with me.
I Fall Down A Lot
I have always been a sensitive person. I like to believe that I feel things more strongly than others and sometimes that’s more a curse than a blessing. For example, I tend to over-empathize, so if you hurt, I’m probably hurting, too. This is likely because I have had experience feeling down so much in my life that I know how much it can take a toll on you every day to feel that way. I don’t want to feel that way and I certainly wouldn’t want you to, either.
Either way, I find myself in the pits frequently. I’m never really sure why, but I don’t always have a reason to feel that way. My life, now, isn’t bad. Sure I have struggles like everyone else and I don’t always get the things I want, but I have a loving husband and equally loving Boxer Pups; I have a roof over my head, food on my plate, and place to rest my head at night. For that I’m very thankful. So why am I feeling so badly lately?
My Emotional State is a Virus
I’ve heard it too many times lately from my husband: “I just want you to be happy.” I also want to be happy on a regular basis, if not for me, for him. It’s quite clear that when somebody feels terribly, especially when it’s as visible as it is on me, you can’t truly be happy. It doesn’t seem fair to be. So how is it fair to those around me, especially the one person who unconditionally loves me every day? It’s not, so something’s gotta give.
Hey, self. What’s the deal?
This is the part where I start talking to myself. This is the part where I try to understand myself and why I can’t seem to turn that light on some days.
Like I said, I have struggles just as everyone else. It’s the Christmas season so money is tight and there’s a lot of pressure to be Jolly and full of Joy. Believe me, I love Christmas time. I love the spirit and jolliness of the season, but I’m not adequately reflecting that love and jolliness. So what’s the big deal, self? The only way I could think to figure that out is to actually ask myself. So that’s what I’m going to do:
What makes you happy?
Other peoples’ happiness. Like I said, emotional states rub off on others. If you’re sad, I’m not going to smile rays of sunshine. But if you’re genuinely happy, it’s more likely I’ll feel it, too.
My husband. He makes me happy, not just because he’s my husband and he loves me, but because he means everything to me. As much as he drives me nuts most days and despite the fact that he has socks everywhere, I couldn’t ask for a better life partner. He saved me from a much darker place and I can never thank him enough.
Being successful. To be more clear, personal success has always been such a big thing for me. I haven’t had the best role models and I haven’t always had people cheering me on. For personal reasons, I hold myself to such high standards. Perhaps this is why I’m feeling so off lately. I have been trying to start a little business, with the help of my wonderful husband and his business, and I can’t seem to get anywhere. If you’re reading, you can check it out here: http://www.livepeculiarshop.com. You will see that it isn’t very expanded and doesn’t have a lot to offer just yet, but I also haven’t had much response and can’t seem to figure out how to market (without spending a butt load of money on advertising). This could certainly be an answer I’m looking for.
What motivates you?
Happiness. I know, this again? But I meant it when I said I feel more strongly than others. If I can do something to make a person happy, you better believe I will do that thing more often.
Money. I know this is so stupid to say, but I think it’s better to just be honest. I am talking to myself after all. Money really is the root of all evil and it can certainly get you places you can’t get if you’re penniless.
Being able to sell the things I make and make money to make more things is incredibly motivational. Plus I really want people to be able to see this adorable wine glass I was commissioned to make by a friend.
That way, if people purchase this, I can continue to make them, sell more, and make even more. Turns out I absolutely love making them. (Hey another thing that makes me happy!)
I really don’t think it’s so bad to admit that money is a motivational factor. I’m not alone in this, and if you’re constantly thinking about money and where you’re going to get it just so you can give it to someone else, you’re not going to be all grins and giggles and go about your day shooting rainbows from your butt. Just saying.
My husband. Yeah, that guy, again. He really does motivate me. He is absolutely incredible and makes things with his hands I could never do. Check him out, too on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/suitablyawesome. His level of talent is motivation enough, even just so I can understand what he’s doing and what he’s talking about.
Praise. Now I’m not asking for a following of adoring fans, but I primarily am motivated to “wow” people with what I do. To hear my family or my in-laws express that they’re impressed or to think something I made is “cool,” it motivates me to do bigger and better things. Truly, it makes sense to me.
What are you afraid of?
Failure. I’m also afraid of spiders and tight spaces, but failure and the possibility of it keeps me pretty scared all the time. I think I just assume I will fail so I just feel bad about myself to begin.
How full is your glass?
Half-empty. I got myself, there. I am a pessimist and I certainly will be caught with a half-empty glass a lot of the time. Believe me, it’s hard to change that thinking.
Have I Learned Anything from Talking to Myself?
Simply put, yes. I actually suggest you also talk to yourself. Get a better understanding of you and why you feel the way you do. I hope by recognizing these things about myself will help me to change my perspective and really persevere thourgh the dark and finally switch on that pesky light.
Live Peculiar 